A reader sent in a very good question that comes up from time to time: “There is something about myself that I feel needs to be discussed almost immediately with someone new. However, I don’t want to scare them away. When is the right time to disclose this personal matter…? Is the first date too soon?
Answer:
This personal information depends solely on the safety for all persons involved. If you are dealing with a health issue that could put the other person at risk of becoming ill themselves, you will want to disclose this information immediately. Along with a disease, you should also include criminal charges of a violent nature also under this umbrella. If this is the sort of information you are hesitant on sharing, then you may want to consider joining a dating site that is geared toward these sorts of situations, so that the need to “tell” is actually shared simply by being at the same place.
If you have something that you need to share within your own personal health and safety, it is still recommended that you share this information as soon as you can, although it is preferred that you do it in person, especially if you’ve decided that this is someone you want to get to know better.
Have you ever been in a situation where the person you’ve been seeing shared something so intimate that it makes you take a step back? For example, what would you do if you were about to get down and dirty with someone new, and they kill the moment by blurting out that they were raped. Needless to say, it is a mood killer but it also makes you wonder if there is something else going on.
When you disclose something as serious as a rape or any other kind of sexual assault, it is a good idea to have this kind of conversation even before sex is on the table. You don’t want to tell them in the beginning where you are still getting to know each other because it gives off the impression that you are getting too serious too soon, but if you wait too long, then the other person is wondering why you waited so long.
A good rule of thumb is to talk about the sensitive subjects the moment you start feeling comfortable enough to do so. Now, when it comes to things that aren’t health related or of a sensitive subject, things like fetishes, hobbies, or favorite activities… This is for you to decide. If you’ve been in a situation where you’ve gotten a negative response before, you can tweak the when and where to suit your needs. For example, perhaps the person you are interested in tells you that they are a committed member of Scientology, you can decide then and there if that is something you are interested in dealing with. If it isn’t, you can cut ties and go about your separate ways.
However, if the something you have to disclose is more on the 50 Shades of Grey side of the spectrum, you will want to disclose this information early on before you get intimate. If you learn this bit of Information about them and you are willing to explore your own sexuality, then you can make the best
choice for you and your situation.
In all honesty, we can’t tell you the best time to talk about certain topics with the new person in your life. When it comes to health related issues and legal complications, you will want to disclose this stuff pretty early on. However, when it comes to unique preferences you may have, then it’s at your own discretion. We do recommend that you have a conversation before anything happens. It’s always good to have a “the earlier the better” type of approach to any kind of conversation though. This will give the other person the opportunity think of the situation and if they are interested enough in you to go with the punches, whatever they may be.